Past and Present...

Ok, first I want to apologize for the length of this mini-series. Most of my blog posts are WAY shorter than this. 😀 And this is deep stuff. Kinda really deep.

My past...

I remember I would just sit and look out of the window. Or sit in a lawn chair and stare at nothing. For hours.

I remember journaling, sitting on my front porch in a rocking chair, sobbing… begging God to get me out of my mind.

I couldn’t understand why I was the way I was.

I knew I was intelligent. I knew I wasn’t lazy. I knew I was meant for so much more than where I was in my life.

And full-blown menopause was creeping in.

I’d been given the highest dosage of estrogen legally permitted. I’d been prescribed anti-depressant after anti-depressant. I remember getting excited after each new prescription, hoping it would be the miracle drug that would change my life. But nothing worked for me.

I just knew that something was wrong with my mind. Everything else about me… everything that I knew to be true (my intelligence, my physical and intellectual abilities, etc.) was the opposite of what was happening in my life.

But, I had to participate in life.

I had to get up and go to work. Mostly, I wore the same outfit everyday… literally the same pants. I had multiple pairs of the exact same pants. I wore the same three shirts over and over again.

At the law firm I worked in (as a government consultant), I was intelligent. And I was funny. But no one saw the problems I had with procrastination, day dreaming, snacking all day. Even though I was witty and smart, I had very little patience… dumb stuff would set me off and ruin my entire day (like the printer not working, my computer loading slow, my pen running out of ink… dumb stuff). I honestly remember throwing my poor little innocent ink pen across the room because it was out of ink.

I remember sitting behind piles of work on my desk… literally piles, looking at it in overwhelm, not knowing where to begin. And not having the willpower to just do SOMETHING. I’d scroll on social media, or make excuses to be out of my office. When a project was due, I had no option but to work like crazy to complete it.

And I dreaded everything.

Every. Damn. Thing.

I dreaded taking showers---I did it because I didn’t want the repercussions of not taking a shower. I dreaded babysitting my precious grandsugars. I dreaded getting out of bed or off the couch. I dreaded going out with my husband and all the effort it took to put on make-up or do my hair. In fact, I mostly wore hats all the time. I hated my hair. I dreaded doing fun things, like going on vacations, or going to family gatherings.

I dreaded anything that took effort.

My present...

Man, just thinking about all that makes me feel so sad for the past Daphnie and the silent struggles she experienced.

The one and only operation I’ve ever had… I had a cyst which was putting pressure on my sciatic nerve (I called it my psychotic nerve 😂). The pain medication just made me sick, it did nothing for the pain.

As it turns out, I have weird enzymes, or some crazy ass thing in the chemical make-up of my body, that reduces the effect medications are supposed to have on me.  Also, I can drink a ton of martinis and champagne and not feel the effects of the alcohol. It’s not a good thing. 🙄

So I had to figure it out on my own. It was my only option, other than suicide or being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.

Now, basically, I have changed my beliefs about myself, and I’ve learned how to control my thoughts. That's kind of it.

I now know my self-worth. You can be all the things… smart, pretty, funny, even wealthy… but until you BELIEVE you are worthy… none of those things matter. How many celebrities do you know that have all the things, but they are still a hot mess?

I had to change my beliefs and change the damn self-loathing thoughts I had about myself.

For example, I’d have thoughts like:

Why am I so stupid? If I were skinnier, I’d have a guy like that. Why am I so ugly? Why did I do that, I’m such a dumbass. I hate the way I look. I hate my______(weight, skin, hair, financial status, car, feet, everything).

Or, why am I so unhappy all the time? Why can I never have enough? Why do I spend so much? Why do I eat so much? What is always holding me back from my dreams? Why do I doubt EVERYTHING? Why does my mind automatically go to worst case scenario?

Again…

I changed my beliefs about myself and learned to control my thoughts.

I now know how worthy I am. I now know how to stop those thoughts or flip them to positive, productive thoughts.

By changing my beliefs, by becoming aware of my passions and purpose… I’ve been able to even elevate my level of self-worth.

I fell in love with who I am and who I am becoming.

I have to continue to work at it every day, but the reward, the benefit is a life of joy and compassion.

Hey, thank you so much for giving me a few of your precious minutes.

Until next time…